By Heather L. E. McKay
Do you ever have teachers or other parents / adults in your life stick their nose into your business and tell you that your child, or you shouldn’t be doing X “because it’s not ‘age appropriate’????” How do you respond to these unwelcome and ableist comments? Do you get upset? Do you believe them, or feel pressured to stop what you or your child is doing? Do you tell the adults off? Or do you educate them? Do you even have the spoons /capacity or ability to say anything at all?
This is a common occurrence for autistic and ADHD people throughout our entire lives. Because we have a developmental difference diagnosis; people sometimes think that means they have the right to judge us, or to try to ‘intervene’ and make us conform. They don’t have that right. It is our right alone to live the way we want and to develop in our own natural ways. It’s also incredibly socialist and offensive to call something ‘age appropriate’.
Who gets to decide what is appropriate and what isn’t? Who gets to deem something less than, or more than in our society and then push others to conform to that arbitrary decision? And why do we allow them that power over us? It seems ridiculous in the extreme when you think about it and add the struggles of a disability to the conversation.
We are disabled by society in so many different ways, but this arbitrary and ableist concept of ‘appropriate’ is beyond the pale.
‘Appropriate’ is something that changes over time with Fads and popularities of the time. To apply a fad to a disability is utterly absurd, disabilities are forever – and yet fads change from day to day or year to year. Look at the current fads of people adoring Taylor Swift or having very heavy eyebrows. A few years ago it was extremely ‘inappropriate’ to have bushy brows, and the most popular singer was someone else. And tomorrow – we have no idea what fad will take over and what will be dumped. But you can’t ‘dump’ a disability, or a disability tool.
Applying ‘appropriate’ to any sort of disability or a disability tool is wrong. The person may be using a tool for any of the below reasons, and none of them are ‘appropriate’ or ‘inappropriate’ – they are a very VALID need. Each tool is required for a different reason – and can be needed for any number of different disabilities – you cannot deem one tool as ‘appropriate’ for only one disability – or ‘inappropriate’ for another person because of their race, age, sex or anything else – a need is a need – end of story.
Eg: if you can walk but can only walk for short distances (due to POTS, motor disinhibition, epilepsy or anything other disability) – you shouldn’t be told a wheelchair is inappropriate just because you have legs and they work some of the time…. That’s ableism. A need or ‘appropriateness’ of a wheelchair is not predicated on the existence of legs. It’s ‘appropriateness’ is up to the individual alone to decide if that’s what they’d prefer or find suitable for their disability, their circumstances and their needs. If a person without legs prefers prosthetics to a wheelchair – that is not your decision to decide or judge that prosthetics is ‘inappropriate’ and a wheelchair is more ‘appropriate’ – it’s none of your business.
Other Examples: using continence wear or being incontinent because of different disabilities (internal issues to do with the bowel / bladder, colon or digestion, or is it due to withholding or interoception, or is it due to constipation etc – the reason for the incontinence does not make the tool less ‘appropriate’).
Using hearing aides because of a hearing or a processing disability, a walking frame for mobility or for balance, needing an assistance dog or having an anxiety diagnosis that requires constant companionship, using a lift because of mobility disabilities, using subtitles because of deafness/ hearing issues or APD, using sign language because of a communication disability (many people who are not deaf also rely on sign language), using an AAC device because of a communication disability (same as using sign language – not all people who use AAC’s have apraxia or dyspraxia), using pencil grips or having a fine motor skill disability (like arthritis, fibromyalgia or motor disinhibition etc), using adaptable kitchen utensils (mobility disabilities, or muscle weakness etc), using fidgets because of anxiety or hyperactivity disabilities, using regulation toys or tools or screens for neurodivergences or other issues, using music for regulation disorders or for speech or communication etc. All of these tools will have different reasons and each individual person must decide what they need to use, when and why…. No one can say it is ‘appropriate’ or ‘inappropriate’.
Let’s take a look at ‘age appropriate’ in regards to incontinence:
If you have incontinence issues, it has usually been diagnosed by a doctor – it is a registered disability. If someone tells you – “it’s not ‘appropriate’ to wear a diaper/ adult continence pants, pull-up or nappy” - they have just invalidated you and your disability. They have used social expectations and ‘normaties’ to insult you and to nullify your needs and your experience. They have also basically told you that it’s not ‘appropriate’ to be disabled in their society and in their presence. It’d be like telling a wheelchair user that they can’t use their wheelchair in front of anyone – because they deem it offensive and ‘gross’. That they basically find any disability to be offensive and gross, and that disabled people aren’t allowed to have choice over their disability tools, let alone exist.
Continence wear are disability tools – make no mistake about it! A person isn’t wearing them because they want to be ostracised from society or because they are making a statement against ableism. They are wearing them because there’s a legitimate need. To not wear them, would to be truly disabling, and they would most likely not have access to society or be able to live a life worth living. Eg: they’d be unable to do the things they want to do in life, because their disability is not supported with adequate or ‘appropriate’ tools -if continence wear is not ‘allowed’ or ‘appropriate’ for specific humans – humans between the age of 4 to about 80.
An ‘appropriate’ tool is one that meets the needs of the individual. You cannot say a disability tool is not ‘appropriate’ just because of a person’s age. Any person of any age can have an incontinence diagnosis, it is society that ostracises and doesn’t understand incontinence. There is this weird perception that only babies, toddlers and the very elderly are allowed to be, or even -could be – incontinent. That is the literal definition of ableism: To discriminate in favour of able- bodied people, and to ignore/exclude the existence of disabled people. And that’s what they are doing when they deem that anyone from the ages of about 4 till about 80; should not, and cannot, wear continence-wear because it’s not ‘age appropriate’.
This is what I mean by educating these people by letting them know it’s disability appropriate – not age ‘inappropriate’. It’s appropriate, necessary and valid for a person to use these tools. It’s ‘inappropriate’ to bully them for it by telling them it’s not age appropriate.
If a school, kinder, workplace etc uses the word ‘age appropriate’ for any reason at all – please educate them about disability discrimination, disability laws; and inform them that they are breaking those laws by discriminating against specific disability tools. Discrimination of disability applies to the person and their tools. If schools allow children to bully other children who have a continence disability – they are breaking those laws. They are allowing the abuse of a minor, and of a disabled person- when they are supposed to be protecting them. Depending on the situation; this would either be deemed as bullying / direct discrimination (by stating things like: “all children must be toilet trained/continent by school age to be allowed to attend our institution”), or indirect (by allowing it to happen within their facility, or by having society pressure them to be continent and not be disabled), or neglect/ abuse (do nothing to help or stop the bullying, but also if they allow a child to sit in their faecal/urinary accident all day).
Examples of other things that are ableist to call ‘age appropriate’:
The music you listen to
The TV shows or movies you watch (eg: documentaries / dramas vs cartoons or superhero movies)
The things you play with (eg: dolls/ trains/ toys v’s playing a sport)
The hobbies you adopt or do (knitting/cooking vs collecting miniatures of things)
The way you talk or act
The things you say or do
The things you eat or drink (or the container that you drink from – eg: a bottle vs a Sippy cup vs a cup – and back again to an adult ‘water bottle’). The decanter is not ‘age appropriate’ or ‘inappropriate- it’s disability appropriate. And some children need ‘baby’ bottles for more than just the ability to drink (perhaps have a tongue tie or cleft palate – that requires a different type of decanter). Some people also use bottles as regulation tools, for OCD, or any other reason – and that’s their right and need.
All choices are valid, all preferences are yours and yours alone. It is no-one’s business what you do to regulate your emotions, to make yourself happy, or to support your disability. Anyone who says otherwise does not respect you. If you have to hide all of your soft toys or hobbies, or your disability tools when someone visits you – I’d ask you if you truly feel safe around this person??? Is this person a real friend, do they accept you for being you? And if not – do you think it’s good for your mental health, confidence or sense of self to surround yourself with people like that?
Life is too short to allow bigoted or ableist people into it. It’s your life, your space, your autonomy – do what’s right for you, and don’t apologise to anyone for being you. You are wonderful, you are valid, your needs are necessary and not to be shamed – you go and be you! The best you that you can be – no matter what your choices or needs are – they are disability appropriate, because only you know and understand what your disability is and how to support it. Noone has the right to dictate to you how you live your life, or how to support that life. “Age Appropriate” does not exist!