By Heather L.E. McKay
I’ve always been a manager – metaphorically and literally. My mother said I came out of the womb bossing everybody around, just like the movie “Boss Baby”. Except it was about 40 years before that movie came out.
I always knew that I had a knack for leading or for making things better than they were before. I was naturally born to do certain things – not in spite of my diagnoses, but because of them. My different brain is what makes me great at specific things.
ADHD people sometimes have a way about them. If you’ve ever met an ADHD’er with that certain quality that makes people surround them – then you’ll know what I’m talking about. My autistic side (I felt) always seemed to repel people, but I had no idea until my 40’s that these two sides even existed and that this was actually my real reality.
When I was in my 20’s people told me that I was the “Carrie” in the group of friends (from the TV series “Sex in the City”)….. the person who tends bring everyone together. I was shocked when I heard this, because I’d always thought of myself as the person who repels or annoys people. I had always been bullied, and in retaliation for that bullying, I’d always stick up for the little guy – I guess that trauma of being bullied ended in me being a person that others thought of as loyal and protective??? I’m not sure – I’ve never questioned it further because it felt awkward to me, it didn’t quite ‘fit’ me and my idea of me.
When I figured out, I was autistic and ADHD; this “Carrie” idea finally fell into place for me. I realised that my ADHD side was probably what people had seen and been drawn to. But when my autistic side revealed itself; I tended to push people away. Now I’m not saying that one side is better than the other – they each have their strengths, but I definitely agree with Masahiro Mori’s “Uncanny Valley” theory. Every time I masked my autistic side, or acted too ADHD, or people saw a glimpse of the real me – the AuDHD me – they’d usually run. I didn’t know about this back in the day – I just felt rejected one minute, and flush with friends the next. I thought I was broken because I’d have these massive uncontrollable temper moments. Now that I know it’s a meltdown – not a temper issue – I know how to deal, how to cope and how to mitigate or avoid them. Which in itself is a type of masking… but it’s a healthy masking, because I’m the one in control, I’m the one deciding who gets to see the real me.
The Uncanny Valley theory made me realise (when I looked back at specific moments in my life), that when I was masking the real me – I had friends, but when they saw beneath the mask – they turned away, they dumped me. They were what people call “fair weather friends” or not true friends. When I started to unmask a little, and be myself, I made friends again. But this time they turned out to be real friends, ones who saw the real me and accepted me as I really am – an AuDHD person with quirks, strengths and weaknesses.
When I constantly switch between my ADHD side and my autistic side, I find that people don’t know what to do around me. They feel nervous and experience that Uncanny Valley or even the Double Empathy Problem (Damien Milton) – or they find me too unpredictable. But when I know me – and unmask properly – I’m able to be the best me I can be. And that spills over into my work life… when I feel safe to be me.
What this does for me – in my opinion – it can make me a great manager. I’m not bragging or anything – I actually hate bragging and am almost completely incapable of self-promotion. But I can recognise some of my strengths, one of which is my ability to be a really good manager- when I’m able to be the full me.
I’m good at managing because I stick up for my employees – to a fault – and that’s where I have a downfall problem. I stick up for them – which occasionally will get me fired. Yes, I’ve actually stood up for others around me – to a point that my employer would feel obliged to fire me, because it was (in their eyes) a choice of firing me or having to do the right thing – they hardly ever chose to do the right thing and right the wrong they had done/ or caused.
Many of my previous employers were nasty, unethical, discriminatory or downright hideous people (some of course were wonderful employers and companies – but I’m not talking about those right now), here’s a list of some of the bad things I experienced over the years from different employers/companies:
1. A petroleum company was found to have particles in their fuel at a particular station – I shut the station down, but the owners of the company reopened it – even though it caused cars to blow up, and they refused to fix the issue with the tanks, and they even covered it up.
2. A company that fired a few employees because the employees had witnessed the CEO stealing products.
3. A company that was not paying their employees their superannuation.
4. A company that fired neurodivergent people because, and I directly quote the company; “they don’t fit into our culture”.
5. A company that was getting employees to stand on a forklift while the forklift lifted them up to fix cracks in the wall – because they deemed it quicker than getting out a ladder and moving the ladder every few minutes.
6. A company that painted over black mould instead of treating the mould.
7. A company that made employees clean up dangerous toxic waste without PPE.
8. A company that had no way of shutting their store and protecting their employees when the store was attacked by thieves and murderers (that the police had warned us were in the area).
9. A company that had been warned by a Judge that if just one more wrongful dismissal case was brought in front of him – he would fine the company $250,000 (before even hearing the case) – they wrongfully dismissed someone the very next day and continued to do so every other day afterwards.
10. A company that put its employees in unsafe lodgings where they had to walk over people having sex parties, in order to get out of their room every morning.
11. A company where the wheelbarrows are stacked unsafely on top of each other and the employees are expected to wheel them in and out of the store daily (in that unsafe stacked position).
12. A company where one of the managers was upset with an employee – so the manager got a fire hose turned it on and shot the employee clear across the store with it – and the manager thought it was funny.
13. A company that made a pregnant woman move a bin full of magazines that weighed about 70kg – wheel it inside the building and up a step…. 4 days a week, with no assistance or PPE or tools to help.
14. A company that hired me to do a strategic plan, they used it and put it into place and then refused to pay me for it.
15. A company that discriminates against females and immigrants.
16. A company that puts people into management positions who aren’t legally qualified or certified to be able to do the job (according to the official “Act” of that country) – and are violating state law by doing so and putting lives in danger at the same time.
17. A company that ignores states laws and rips off local residents.
And many many more – but this list is reminding me why I don’t work directly for other people anymore, and why I lost my faith in humanity – and in the organisations who are meant to, or supposed to be the watchdog or judiciary for those fields of work – who do absolutely nothing – even when you dob them into the authorities.
But … every time each of these things occurred, I stood up for the employees – for the hard workers who didn’t deserve this crap, this illegal and unethical crap. And every time – I was fired, or told to shut up or go awat. Who’s the one in the wrong here? But wrong only seems to matter to justice-oriented people these days; or perhaps always, I don’t know, I haven’t been around that long to know.
Back to the point.
My autistic side makes me very justice oriented but it comes with hindrances and things that some people despise (as I found out from the companies mentioned above). I also found out that one of the great things about being autistic is my attention to detail. When I had inspections from CEO’s or executive officers – they could never find fault with any of my work, or that of my employees. I always ran a tight and fair ship. I was never fired for not doing my job – or for not doing it extremely well, only ever for whistleblowing or asking companies to do the right thing.
My employees were always trained to the fullest extent they could be, I always treated them fairly, with kindness and stood up for them, and went to bat for them. I always led by example and would never ask an employee to do something that I wasn’t already doing, or willing to do myself. And I always made sure they had opportunities to excel and be rewarded/ appreciated for their work, and move into other roles or into manager. That’s what my autistic side always remembered to do – to give them the same (or better) opportunities than I had been given. My ADHD side always made sure we had fun while doing anything and I gave my employees the opportunity to excel at picking up the slack and or finding their own way of doing something their way. I always thought that it was best for employees to have input in the work they did and how they did it. But this meant that I had a lot of managers and employees also take advantage of me and my justice orientation.
If an employee was being bullied – I’d put myself in the firing line. If someone wasn’t pulling their weight, I’d be the one to pick up the slack. If something went wrong, I’d often take the blame. I became the patsy more than once… to my own detriment.
ND people can be fantastic employees and even better managers; but only if we have managers and staff around us that don’t treat us like crap or take advantage of us.
I’m really hoping that others learn from my mistakes – and I’m even willing to train managers and companies and other ND people on how to avoid making these mistakes; that end in the devastation of people’s lives and of companies reputations and ability to hire good staff – and sometimes to the ruination of the company as a whole.
We need to work together. ND people have skills that NT simply don’t have – and vice versa. If we work together, instead of discriminating against those minority groups that make diversity in the workplace so great and make companies profitable and sustainable entities – then the world can become a really great inclusive and friendly place to work. But until we learn about each other’s SWOT analyses and figure out how to benefit from that diversity, and treat everyone with dignity, fairness, respect and equity – we will continue to have these hideous work environments and unproductive businesses that destroy our ability to live in this world.
Equity matters. But in many ways, society is too unwilling and dogmatic to get rid of status and hierarchy chains put in place to oppress us. ND people are more likely to break down those barriers and biases that keep people from achieving their best. And this is often taken as a threat to some people’s station or ego’s; like it was in many of the situations where I was asked to leave a job.
Please LET IT GO! Power isn’t needed. Status isn’t needed, hierarchy isn’t needed. If you treat people equally, equitably and with true respect – they do the same to you. But if you use an authoritarian style of management or governance – they are more likely to resent you and not respect you. People are always more likely to respect people who treat them well and to hate those who try to oppress them.
When we treat people with equity, we also open channels of communication, where we are better able to discuss and invent new ways of doing things – that can benefit all people. This leads to better run workplaces that people enjoy to work in and they often feel more loyalty and belonging with. It can benefit all.