I just had a conversion with my AuDHD child about why he was really struggling to do a thing. I’ve been doing everything I can to assist him. All the regular ADHD suggestions aren’t working.
We’ve tried: body doubling (obviously), starting it for him, making it fun, adjusting it to his interests, doing it when he’s super regulated and rested, having his fun/happy things around him (eg: nesting), making sure he’s fed, had a drink, warm but not too hot, has his Irlen’s and dyslexia supports in place, explaining why it has to be done, discussing the importance of the task, and discussing other options he might like to explore, giving him space and time, backing off, not nagging, comfortable seating or standing options, offering to do the writing/typing for him – or other options for that too, turning it into a game, modelling, everything you could think of…. That he was willing to discuss or entertain.
We finally got to a point where I had to coregulate with him because he was frustrated. I asked him why he was struggling sooooo much with doing this really simple thing -that he’s actually really good at and it only takes about 2 minutes to do. But all he could say was “I don’t know!!!!!!”
I took the different tack that I always take in these frustrated moments…..I explained to him how and why I get stuck in the same way – because I’m also AuDHD… it’s my ADHD side that’s usually the biggest hindrance. My brain is telling me “just do the F-ing thing!” but my body just won’t…. It can’t! But I also don’t know why, so I totally understood why he couldn’t explain to me why.
I’ve researched it extensively. I’ve explored my own feelings, thoughts and experiences on it. I’ve questioned others about their experiences of the same thing. I’ve watched endless videos of others explaining the same phenomenon for their ADHD. I’ve asked others what they do in these situations to help themselves out of it…. Hence the list of things I’ve already tried with my child. But to no avail.
It's as frustrating as hell. It’s one of the biggest frigging annoying things in my life – I just can’t activate that hyperfocus into action – in myself or others.
Body doubling sometimes makes it worse. I asked my child why he thinks that body doubling somedays works wonderfully but the next day will be the last thing he wants/needs. He said again “I don’t know”. So I gave him examples of why it doesn’t work for me sometimes, so he might be able to maybe sympathise/empathise with one of the options, or it might help him to clarify his own thoughts on the subject. I do this a lot – and wish that someone had done it with me as a child, as it really helps someone who is stuck to become unstuck and clarify their thoughts/feelings, or to unjam the traffic jam in their brain.
I gave him these options about why body doubling doesn’t work sometimes:
· It becomes a demand. It activates my PDA to have someone doing it beside me and expecting me to do it a certain way, in a certain time frame or just do it at all.
· It activates my RSD (Rejection sensitive issues). I become unable to do the thing because I’m scared or pissed off/triggered that I won’t be able to do it perfectly while someone is watching me. I like body doubling only if the person isn’t watching me, looking at me, perceiving me, judging me or grading me afterwards. That’s the autistic side of me that hates being perceived, joined with the perfectionism side (RSD and autism) that hates letting myself or others down – the trauma reaction from people pleasing and fawning.
· Having someone beside you doing the same thing, sometimes feels like a comparison in my own brain. I become unable to do the thing because my brain tells me – that person is better at it than me, they are faster, smarter, better. It hurts and creates a negative thought loop that I can’t get out of.
· If I feel they might tell me how to do it; differently, better, quicker etc – I won’t even begin the thing.
If you can think of any other reasons – please let me know – I’m always collecting more information on this phenomenon.
My son said it was a combination of all of them, so I was no closer to figuring out what to do or how to help.
My son doesn’t like ADHD meds, he says it makes him feel less himself, or perhaps subdued or “foggy” (in his words). I suggested that maybe we try his meds, just for one day – to see if that would help him to at least clear his brain for a few hours so he could tell me the reason he was finding the task so hard, or – we could discuss other options, or- it might be a good idea to try a new med to see if something else could help. We’ve only tried 2 different ones so far, and the ADHD community has assured me that sometimes it takes 5 times to find the right one for your brain.
I was glad to say that my son was willing to give it a go, because he’s that frustrated and we’ve tried everything else. I’m not against meds, I’m all for them if they help, it’s just that - so far we haven’t had much luck finding one that works the right way for him.
The very first time he took Ritalin he espoused “I can hear my brain!” We thought we’d hit the right med the first time, right out of the gate. But, unfortunately, he had massive crashes when it wore off. So we switched to long acting on the paediatricians advice – as they said that should help with the ‘crash’ that can come with stimulants. But it didn’t. Or rather, we found that giving him long acting Ritalin combined with strong coffee before it wears off helped to ease him a bit and not crash so hard.
When I say crash…. For him it’s like a sudden overwhelming of his brain – all his thoughts feelings and EVERYTHING suddenly come back the moment the meds wear off. And it causes a meltdown. It makes me wonder what NT people would be like if they suddenly experienced what it was like to live inside our brains – would they meltdown constantly? Probably, but we’ll never know.
When he’s on the meds, he can concentrate, focus, hear his individual thoughts instead all of them at once, and sometimes it makes him drowsy or sleepy. But it works so well that he’s no longer him. He’s no longer vivacious, funny, entertaining, wired for fun, talking a thousand words a minute, enthusiastic and HIM. He’s no longer HIM. I hate it…. He hates it. I want him to be able – but still be HIM!
We tried adjusting the amounts of the meds, lowered or increased the meds dependant on advice and oversite from the paediatrician. It still didn’t work.
I’ve discussed this with other ADHD’ers, and they all say the same thing – it’s not the right med for him, that: when you know – YOU KNOW!
Apparently when you do find the right med, everything falls into place. You can focus, work, learn, do the things, remember, BUT STILL BE YOU! Still be fun, vivacious and yourself – not foggy and dull, sleepy or distant, boring and like the light has been switched off internally. I want that!- I want him to love his brain and himself, to be happy in his own skin – but be able at the same time, for me (and my ADHD) and for him (and his ADHD).
We just have to keep trying, but after each failed attempt, you lose a bit of yourself. You lose faith and the ability and willingness to try again. I hope that doesn’t happen this time. Maybe I’ll update you tomorrow about how it went… and I’ll get that all important answer – why he can’t do that one thing that needs to be done that is causing such a struggle. Or maybe we’ll be back to the paed for another try of something else.
Or maybe he’ll get a good nights rest, or he’ll just be in a good hyperfocus mood tomorrow, or maybe he’ll be inspired or something else will hit that sweet spot for him and he’ll be able tomorrow. That’s the problem with ADHD, it’s so hit and miss when we’ll be able and when we won’t. So much is left up to luck, fate and the ‘vibe’ internally and externally. That’s why body doubling doesn’t work sometimes. It just doesn’t hit that vibe or your internal need or experience one day, but will work the next day. You just never know.
But if you’re in a slump and none of the things mentioned above are helping, and you don’t have the privilege to get a formal diagnosis or the privilege to afford/ or have access to meds – it’s hard out there! Damned Hard! We call is raw dogging it – because yes – ADHD is bloody hard without meds, sometimes it’s hard with them. We forget to take them, our menstrual cycle makes them useless at certain times of the month, (and don’t get me started about menopause or perimenopause), sometimes they just don’t hit the spot, sometimes our body gets used to them and we have to go without them for a while so that they work again (a detox period if you will).
Not everything works all the time, and some things don’t work at all ever for certain people…. I think that’s what I wish NT people would realise about being ND – any type of ND.
Eg: epilepsy meds don’t always hit the right spot or work 100% all the time, Irlen’s glasses won’t work all the time if you’re tired or there’s excessive light or movement. A guide dog may have an off day too and cause problems for their partners. Less stimulation for people with SPD can be bad if they’re understimulated or sensory seekers, phonics can be bad for dyslexics or GLP’s, ADHD meds aren’t right for all ADHD’ers, hearing aids don’t work for APD (as they often amplify all noises instead of distinguishing the sounds and helping the processing of the words in the brain), routines can be helpful and harmful to autistics and ADHD’ers at the same time or on different days or times, or for different reasons, timers can exacerbate anxiety, CBT can gaslight/increase depression and burnout, and body doubling doesn’t always work.