I’m sorry
I’m sorry is sometimes something that autistic children can’t say… but it’s not for the reason that you might think.
It’s not always “wont” – many times it’s actually “CAN’T!”
When I was a child, my parents made fun of me because I didn’t say sorry, they thought it was “wouldn’t” – but most of the time it was because I couldn’t.
I have the stereotypical (but extremely strong) justice mentality. People say that the stronger justice mentality an autistic person has – the more trauma they experienced as a child. And I’d agree with that from my POV, but I can’t speak for others. All I know is – mine is extremely strong and I can’t let go of something that isn’t fair, is even remotely discriminatory, or something that puts someone at a simple disadvantage or causes harm to one person or a group of people over another.
This same phenomenon occurs when an accident occurs. If I had accidentally fallen on my sibling and hurt them, I COULDN’T say sorry, because it was a point of justice. An accident is an accident, and in my brain – apologising for something I didn’t do on purpose, was unfair and discriminatory. Noone explained to me that an apology doesn’t need to be an act of accepting blame – that it can be about showing the hurt party that you acknowledge their pain and that you are sorry they are hurt – without taking the blame.
That’s important to children, especially to ADHD kids. As I’ve said previously – ADHD kids are told off, yelled at and blamed approx. 80% more than their peers (according to research). So, when something is NOT our fault – we want and NEED it to be screamed to the rafters “It was NOT Heathers fault!!!!!” We need to be completely validated and told we were right – or not the ‘bad kid’ for once. But if we are forced to apologise (when it was accidental, or during a meltdown – which we have NO control over) it becomes about blaming us – yet again. It’s unfair – it’s discriminatory and feels like another episode of “Let’s hate on the ADHD kid!”
I recently had this conversation with my children. An accident occurred and the injured party wanted an apology, instead of causing this power imbalance and shame game – I changed the narrative. I explicitly explained to them the concept I’ve explained above. And then asked if the apology needed to be about the accident – or about the injury occurring and both parties feeling bad that ANYONE was injured as a result of said ACCIDENT.
They both agreed that they both would prefer that we stick to the facts – that it was an accident – it was no-ones fault – so an apology for the accident was non-sensical. But they also both agreed that both would feel better if they acknowledged the injury and their feelings about the injury….. that they were both sorry that ANYONE was hurt, and they both hoped the pain goes away quickly with no lasting damage, and that they both want to be more careful doing the same activity again – so that an accident like that is more unlikely to occur in the future. They both wanted validation and to build trust in each other again. An accident can still break the bond of trust until both parties promise to try to mitigate the possibility of it recurring. And that’s the real point of an apology IMO – to repair relationships – not to take blame.
What I explained we did above- creates fairness, equity, and validates both parties – without the usual blame and shame when a forced apology is instigated, and both parties end up feeling angry and hurt. Because when you force an apology – the injured party feels like the apology isn’t real (and let’s face it – it isn’t – and therefore there’s no point to it), and the blamed party also feels like they are now an injured party as well – because they are being singled out and treated badly when they did nothing purposely to hurt anyone… they now feel aggrieved too.
Forced apologies hurt everyone involved.
This isn’t about permissive parenting – where parents allow children to ‘get away with bad behaviour’ this is (gentle) strategic parenting – where the parent explains the views of both parties (mediates the issue) and explains how we can collaborate to make both parties feel happy, and for the agitation/pain to not occur again. It teaches real empathy, and real-life skills to cope in situations like this again. Because it also models mediation, collaboration and seeing things from the others POV.