Teaching teachers 3: what should a prep student know how to do before starting school

·       TW: for autistic people – you will recognise this following list is just a list of things autistic people (and other disabled people) struggle with – it’s extremely ableist and shows no understanding of typical childhood development, let alone a-typical development. This list is a list from actual teachers of what they want all children to do before starting school.

 

List of things teachers requested that prep students know how to do/can do:

 

·       Toilet Trained	·       Recognise when need to pee
·       Change themselves after an accident	·       Toilet during break times not when desperate
·       Pack a bag	·       Tie shoes
·       Show and use Patience	·       Verbalise how they feel
·       Understand there is no negotiation	·       No means no
·       Stop means stop	·       Follow routines and rules
·       Able to sit still and listen	·       Able to separate from mum or dad
·       Memorised their own emergency info (address, name and phone number)	·       Use scissors (fine motor skills)
·       Use “Correct” pencil grip	·       Repeat the alphabet
·       Use respect and kindness	·       Have good language skills
·       Follow & Understand instructions and directions	·       Manage a lunch box and drink bottle (fine motor skills)
·       Self-regulate	·       Have good core strength
·       Yelling when you don’t get your own way is not on	·       Dress independently (jumpers/shoes and socks on & off)
·       Appropriate Turn taking/ sharing	·       Understand and abide personal space
·       Understand and respect personal belongings	·       Do things they don’t want to do
·       Be able to ask for help	·       Understand and respect that other’s have the same rights as them
·       Understand how to play with others	·       Playing with toys & equipment ‘nicely’ & packing away when done
·       Reading with others	·       Know how to help with food preparation
·       Can recognise their own name and others	·       Don’t buy a backpack bigger than the child – (this is a school decision not parent in some schools)
·       Write and recognise their own name	·       Use manners: please & thank you
·       Handle being told no	·       Know how to lose gracefully in games
·       Blow their nose	·       Control themselves

 

Can anyone pick out any of the above items that aren’t ableist? I hope not – because every single one is ableist AF!. This is the problem with the system – not the teachers, the system!!!!

 

Teachers are taught in Uni (and from their ‘in school’ placements) that this is what they should expect from kids who are aged between 5 and 7 – but none of it is appropriate for anyone, but especially for disabled children. It’s society’s fault… and governments/school systems for wanting this – it’s unreasonable.

 

As my sister asked after reading the list “can you give me the name of an adult who can do all of those things, (consistently and well, without help or without struggle)?”

 

Another teacher asked: “so, if you expect parents to teach all of this, what does kindergarten/ pre kinder or day care teach?” Which is a valid point but still neglects the fact that some kids will never be able to do some of these things – even as adults.

 

IMO: If a teacher is asking for all these things from prep students, or expects any of them – they shouldn’t be teaching prep – maybe a different year level – if they bend and learn what’s wrong with the list and the expectations/demands, but definitely not prep.

 Let’s learn why it’s not appropriate to expect ALL these things, or perhaps even any of them at all for a disabled student.

 

I’m an adult and I know I still can’t:

·       Ask for help (due to being human)

·       Struggle with self-regulation (due to being autistic and ADHD)

·       Can’t handle when people say no without giving a reasonable reason why (mainly due to the double empathy problem and concrete thinking)

·       Control myself (I have ADHD)

·       Lose all games with grace – I don’t think anyone can – you still feel loss, rejection and failure when losing (due to RSD and trauma)

·       Sometimes I can’t recognise my name (due to APD)

·       Do food prep (due to ARFID and executive functioning )

·       Read with others (due to RSD, APD,

·       Recognise the need to pee, or not have to pee in an emergency (due to interoception, cooccurring disabilities and hyperfocus)

·       Struggle with big bags, because I need to take a lot of things (for me and my kids), but I’m the only one with capacity to carry a bag (due to multiple disabilities and their individual needs/tools)

·       Play with others (no – because I still parallel play, due to being autistic)

·       Struggle putting things away (due to object permanence if I put them away they don’t exist anymore, plus fibromyalgia, sometimes chronic pain gets in the way, or EDS etc, or from executive dysfunction – I need a body double)

·       Struggle to blow my nose when it’s horribly sore from a cold

·       Struggle to use manners (due to situationally non-speaking issues, trauma and cPTSD, and when people don’t deserve respect or manners being used towards/around them, and executive functioning)

·       Struggling with others expecting me to respect them, their things, and their rights – but they don’t respect me or mine

·       Doing things I don’t want to do – because I’m an adult with rights and autonomy, and I have a right to protect myself (BTW: kids have the same rights – but adults simply don’t respect or understand that)

·       Struggle with personal space; I tend to need more space than most people (due to trauma, cPTSD, PTSD – but most don’t know that – how could they unless I tell them). Also – people from different cultures have different ideas/expectations on personal space, this isn’t just about children, this is about consent, cultural respect and racism. Children are using connection seeking when violating personal space – so telling them no will actually heighten the situation/problem.

·       Struggle with turn taking when someone pushes in front of me, or they always get picked first, or there is some form of inequity involved.

·       Dressing and undressing independently – I struggle when I’m in a meltdown or shutdown, or having a fibro flare up, or extreme burnout – clothes too tight or broken button/zipper etc

·       I struggle not yelling when someone triggers me. A meltdown is something you can’t control, we don’t do it on purpose – yelling is a form of behaviour as communication – we are telling you to stop – or that you weren’t listening to us in the first place. You caused it – live with it – or do better.

·       I don’t have good core strength – never have, never will (due to EDS, fibro and other conditions)

·       I can’t always self-regulate – no one can… why do you think people look for partners in life, live with their parents for longer, and seek out friendships and comradery? Children especially can’t; they rely on adults to be their anchor, to be their strength and their support.

·       I still can’t manage a lunch box or drink bottle (due to ARFID and executive functioning)

·       I still can’t follow instructions or directions (due to ADHD, APD, executive functioning, RSD and many other issues)

·       As I’m autistic, I’m considered to have ‘bad’ language skills because I have direct, clear factual communication style – not fluff… I’ll never have “good language skills” according to neurotypical standards and expectations and the double empathy problem

·       I refuse to use respect and kindness towards people who don’t do the same for me

·       I can repeat the alphabet, but find me on a bad executive functioning say, or in the middle of being situationally non-speaking, or having a ‘brain fart’ and no – I’m unable. The same goes for remember emergency information in an emergency.

·       I’ve never had the “Correct pencil grip” and never will, due to things like EDS, dysgraphia and others – other people won’t either

·       Using scissors – I can, but when I’m having a bad fibro day, I have weakness in my extremities – and can’t, but things like hand pain causes scissor use to be painful – no matter the day, time or anything else – it’s always hard

·       I’ve eventually separated from my mum/dad, but I still can’t completely – I need safe people around me – due to trauma, cPTSD and PTSD. Being unable to separate from a safe person is actually a sign that the school or environment is unsafe for that child – they are using behaviour to tell you that they feel unsafe.

·       I can’t sit still – due to co-occurring disabilities it actually hurts to sit still, on the floor is excruciating, and due to ADHD, if I’m not fidgeting, I can’t hear you

·       I won’t have anything to do with people who violate my no or my autonomy. By saying there is no negotiation – that’s a violation of my autonomy – you are an unsafe person to be around if you aren’t willing to collaborate or listen.

·       Yes… “no means no” - if there’s danger to personhood etc. But the child deserves a reason for the no – no without context or reason is unreasonable. We need to know why there’s a no – so we can move on and respect that no in the future. We won’t respect your no – if you don’t respect ours.

·       I still can’t follow rules or routines (due to my ADHD and PDA), but also if there is any sign of inequity or lack of context or valid reason for the rule or routine. I need to know why – if not, my whole body rejects it and can’t do it

·       I still can’t verbalise how I feel sometimes

·       I still can’t show and use patience (due to ADHD) and because if I can’t do it now – I’ll forget it or lose it forever, or will not be able to focus due to ADHD and hyperfocus/ executive functioning etc.

·       I still can’t do things like tie shoelaces and pack a bag due to executive functioning (not because I can’t because I don’t know how- but because I “can’t”) I buy shoes that don’t need to be tied, or a have to pack my bag at the last second because I have enough dopamine and ‘urgency’ to do it – same as homework or due dates

·       Change myself after an accident???? Well, I can, but I still find it incredible difficult, embarrassing – impossible if out in public (like at a school), or if anyone knows about it… so how do you expect a child to do it easily, or at all – especially if they have delayed gross or fine motor skills or co-occurring disabilities like apraxia, dyspraxia, motor disinhibition, EDS, CP, epilepsy, POTS, inertia, middle ear infections, severe incontinence, and other medical conditions???

 

Just in case you were wondering – yes – the dot points of things I struggle with – included everything in the list from the teachers. I struggle with the whole damn lot… and I’m an adult – and one that some ableists would call “functioning”. But perhaps now you’d say that I’m not a ‘functioning’ adult if I can’t do them all… and you’d be right.

 

I’m a disabled adult and can’t do many things. I need support, I need understanding, and I need the people around me and my children (who are also disabled) to realise that – and to stop demanding and expecting things from us that simply aren’t possible without that support and understanding.

 

If you’re a teacher – I beg you to rethink every single thing on that list… and consider your extreme privilege if you are able to do any of them. You are extremely lucky – you are able. Others are not, and those are the people you are teaching.

 

We have invisible disabilities. That’s right – you can’t see our disabilities; you only see our behaviour…. Our inability to do them. But you are seeing them as bad parenting or as bad behaviour – you see them as won’t – not can’t. Stop it

 

These things are NOT because the parent is NOT trying to teach them, it’s not because of lack of discipline or laziness or anything else – it’s simply because they are disabled. Your view that it is any of those things (other than disability) is extremely bigoted, biased, ableist, ignorant and offensive. I’m not trying to be mean to you or attack you – I’m trying to educate you. Educate about disability – especially invisible disabilities that cause us to be unable, but you believe (and the majority of teachers believe, going by the number of teachers that agreed and repeated items on that list over and over again).

 

Stop believing societies ideals of perfectionism in a classroom – it’s NEVER going to happen, so stop the nonsense.

 

You already have the proof in front of you… many children show you ‘bad behaviour’, many parents beg you to listen to them, many children are forced out of mainstream education because of those behaviours. But from what I can see – none of you are asking why???? You are instead, only going straight to blaming the child and blaming the parents. Are you curious at all? Are you not wanting to solve the issue? Are you not willing to understand at all? Are you not wanting to help yourself?

 

The teaching profession is supposed to be (IMO) made up of people who love to learn and keep learning throughout their lifetimes. But I’ve been disproven of that lately. It seems to be full of people who expect others to keep learning but are unwilling to learn new things themselves. Prove me wrong! I beg you – start to learn, talk to us, reach out and learn directly from us – we are here and we are willing to help you.

 

Stop saying that the system doesn’t give you money for these things – this blog is free – share it – and see the learning grow and spread without spending a dime – and help yourself and your students at the same time. I think you’ll find that by spreading this information – you’ll help your colleague too, but by remaining stubborn and ignorant on the why children are ‘behaving badly’ you only seal your fates… You seal the teaching profession into repeating the wrong things and forcing more teachers out of the profession. Something needs to change… and I hate to tell you – neurodivergence is here to stay.