There are people out there in the world that believe that autistic people don’t respect you or understand you unless you yell at them. I find this bizarre in the extreme.
I came across an actual teacher who was telling other teachers that autistic people don’t listen unless you yell at them. That they don’t respect a teacher unless the teachers yells at them. Please don’t do this.
Yes, some ND people can tend to speak in a louder volume. I’m also ADHD – and I tend to get louder the more aggravated I am or the more excited I am. I do not realise it, I can’t control it… it just happens. That doesn’t mean you shout back at me.
If you are yelling at a disabled person – why? There’s always another way. Are they deaf? Or hard of hearing – because yelling often makes it worse, especially if they have APD. Louder doesn’t clear it up, it just makes the cognitive processing slower and the person is wondering why you’re yelling.
If they are in hyperfocus – yes, a yell can pull them out of hyperfocus – but it also makes them dysregulated and makes them forget what they were thinking or doing (which is harmful to autistics and ADHD’ers who hyperfocus). There’s a better way, maybe wait til they pull themselves out of hyperfocus or try a gentler approach to get their attention (eg: sit down beside them and wait for them to acknowledge you).
If they are in danger – yes – a yell may be needed to avoid catastrophe.
But…..When you yell at someone, or back at someone; you show your own bad behaviour – and you feel your own guilt afterwards as well.
Teachers spend most of their time in rooms full of children, not rooms full of adults. I have done both and can tell you that if you yell at anyone in a room full of adults – the person who is yelling is the one who looks like the bad guy or the “badly behaved” person. The person who yells is the person creating the ‘toxic work environment’.
When a child yells – it’s usually because they aren’t being heard or listened to… the answer isn’t to yell back, it’s to stop, listen and learn why they are yelling.
Some autistic people will yell as a stim. As echolalia, or as singing. When this occurs: saying “inside voice” is one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard an adult utter. “Inside voice” means absolutely nothing. I’ve been auditoriums and theatres where “inside voice” means to project your voice very loudly and clearly across a crowd of people. I’ve been in classrooms where inside voice is the teacher yelling to be heard over the laughter and movement of objects and people. I’ve been in an industrial kitchen, where you must yell to hear over the noises of constantly clattering pots and pans.
Please never use the phrase “inside voice” it’s as stupid as “safe hands”.
Instead: teach volume and pitch. This can be done through teaching music, or singing, or volumes on a stereo that also differentiates between bass, echo and treble, microphones etc. Or through understanding physics and conduction of noise and vibrations, or reading the book “Decibella” etc.
Or if the child loves the vocal stimulation of yelling/ singing stimming etc – get them a Vocal Dempener (ask the parent to purchase one and bring it to school to use during the day), they are available through online places like Amazon. It is a tool that singers use backstage to warm up their vocal cords backstage if they don’t have a soundproofed room available. It looks like a mask – you put it over your mouth and yell into it. It’s good for anger management control and alleviation too.
If the child has done something wrong or ‘bad’, yelling doesn’t teach anything – it just ads to the fray. It ads to dysregulation and leads to more yelling. They will either enter fight mode in retaliation of your yelling (yell back or yell more), or shutdown (flight/flop/freeze) and maybe cry. Neither is recommended or helpful. When things have escalated to yelling – you need silence, not more yelling. And yelling to gain silence isn’t helpful or wise either. (There are other tools like turning the lights on and off to gain attention).
You can’t regulate a child, or teach them, if you are dysregulated. If you feel like yelling – walk out -walk away! Keep yourself and the children safe by stepping outside and breathing – calming and regulating before you return.
Or some teachers prefer to turn their back to the class and use grounding techniques – breathe, fidget with something in your pocket, name 5 blue things in front of you (not aloud but in your mind) until your temper returns to neutral, or as close as you can get to neutral.
You can’t expect the child to be able to do this if it hasn’t been explicitly taught, or because their brains have not fully developed yet (they don’t fully develop til later in their 20’s). They must have been taught it and had time to practice it, and not be in the middle of a meltdown or fight/flight to be able to access it.
A child’s brain is not fully developed and they can’t access anything other than fight/flight if they’re in meltdown until their brain is fully developed AND they know how to identify when they are about the enter meltdown. Kids simply do not have these skills, or abilities before their brains are fully developed. It’s not just about explicitly teaching this, it’s giving the grace and understanding that they are not a fully grown adult who recognises these things and is able to use them/ access them at will.
Teachers forget this (or didn’t know it in the first place) all the time, they just expect the children to behave a certain way, and to pull themselves immediately out of fight/flight – even though fully grown adults sometimes can’t do this. A child definitely can’t. If you don’t understand this and the way the brain, impulse control and trauma works – you shouldn’t be teaching. Again – this isn’t the fault of the teachers – this is the fault of the system and the Universities who refuse to teach anything about being trauma informed, or understanding the development of the human brain and body and especially nothing about childhood development.
You can’t expect the child to calm if they can visibly see that you are also in the f response of trauma (eg: mad, sad, upset, agitated etc). Kids mirror your energy/ mood/ actions/ trauma responses. If you are displaying anger, so will they, but some may display fear instead – which is also a trauma response (flop/ freeze/ fawn etc). They can’t ‘choose’ how they respond in the moment – they can only listen to and obey their nervous system – which is the thing that controls behaviour when we are dysregulated. “Choice” goes hurtling out the window when a teacher or themselves go into a nervous system response.
Noone should ever be yelling at a disabled child, or any child for that matter. But sometimes shit happens. We become dysregulated, we can’t control ourselves, and we yell. I always feel terrible afterwards. Because it’s a nervous system response – not a choice. If I’m “choosing” to yell I shouldn’t be teaching or anywhere near vulnerable children.
Children learn to do what they see. If you are ‘choosing’ to yell – you are choosing to be verbally abusive, you are choosing to teach THEM to be verbally abusive. You are modelling the behaviour that you don’t want them to do.
And no – I’m not attacking you for yelling, I’ve been known to yell when I’m dysregulated, when I couldn’t step out/ away, when I was not in control… but I always apologise afterwards.
Children need to see you make mistakes and take ownership of those mistakes – AND the REASONS for those mistakes. Otherwise, they only learn that yelling is ok and that no accountability is needed or required. If you yell – apologise to the whole class, and specifically to the person you yelled at – otherwise they’ll learn that it’s ok to yell at teachers too (what goes around, comes around mentality).
When you apologise – say something like (but less convoluted than this – because I’m tired and struggling to put this a good way):
“It’s not ok to yell like I did, I’m so sorry. I was triggered by X and Y and lost control (which is ok – because no one is perfect, everyone loses control, and it’s valid to lose control – but what we do afterwards counts). I’m sure you can all understand that – as a few of you have done the same previously…. But it’s not ok, yelling is verbal abuse, and if you yell at someone you should apologise.
It’s not ok to not apologise when you’ve harmed another person. I’m not apologising for being triggered – because you (the person or thing that triggered me) needs to apologise for that (the part you or the thing took part in that purposely triggered me), and to take ownership of your part in the resulting mess… but I am apologising because it’s the right thing to do – and I’m trying to teach you how to get along in society, and how to have natural consequences for your actions. If I didn’t apologise, you’d likely still be mad at me, and not be able to concentrate or move on… it’s the same for me – we have to repair the relationship when something goes wrong before anyone can properly move on”.
It's important to explain why you yelled, if they don’t understand the why – they will think it’s ok to yell all the time, as long as you apologise afterwards. Sort of like some religions that believe all is ok if you just confess – it doesn’t erase the harm, but it does explain it, and hopefully leads to understanding/learning where that situation won’t repeat itself again. If they don’t understand how they triggered you – they will continue to do it.
The same as if you triggered them – you need to find out why they yelled (what you did to cause them to have that nervous system response), so that you won’t do it again… and so they won’t be triggered and show you the “bad behaviour” again. It goes both ways. You can’t hold them accountable if you don’t yourself accountable for triggering them.
You want them to learn the difference between choosing to yell (not good) and a nervous system response (not their, or your fault). When you choose to yell – it’s not ok. But no one can control a nervous system response…. It keeps us safe. When you yell, you are literally conveying unsafety – that you feel unsafe enough to yell because you need something to stop or to go away. It’s a response that has been used for centuries to remain safe.
You may yell “fire” or “stop” or “shut-up” etc because that is your nervous system saying: “I feel I’m in danger – and I need safety – give me safety now”. It is required when the other party isn’t listening. You’ll know as a teacher – if you’ve yelled you probably felt like you had no other “choice”. It was yell or feel that ‘danger’. Kids are the same, they yell so that you’ll clearly hear them and their needs – and stop. It’s not bad behaviour it’s a literal scream for help.
Even if they are ‘choosing’ to yell – I’d still want to know why???? Why do they feel yelling will get them what they want over other means? What other options have been afforded them – what other choices have you given them, and can access in the moment? What is the situation, are there extenuating circumstances? Etc etc etc.
I acted out in school (teachers mostly hated me), it was because of multiple reasons– but the underlying issue was always dysregulation and disengagement. And both of those things could’ve been fixed if the teachers ever bothered to question me about it in private and fixed the things that were causing it.
Some teachers will think that kids act out because they want to be ‘popular’ or ‘get attention’ – but the underlying cause of that is connection seeking – or seeking understanding (either for themselves, or from you). Or they are trying to seek approval from peers, fitting in and wanting to belong. All of that can be fixed – not with yelling obviously – but with real connection, with real understanding, and with creating cultures in schools that all people belong.
At the moment we don’t have that. What we have is a culture where the students are told to shut up, behave and learn – no autonomy, no control – which is the opposite of what they are seeking. No wonder they yell, or show aggression, or violence etc – they are constantly seeking that which is denied to them. I’d be angry, yelling and aggressive if my boss or partner did that to me too.
Stop yelling, start connecting. Remember: You’re a hypocrite if you yell but don’t let your students, but you’re also creating dysregulation and modelling the behaviour you don’t want.