I recently came across an open page that talked about class sizes, behaviour in the classroom and what we (teachers) should do about it.
· One comment said we should just send kids home until the behaviour is ‘fixed’
· Another comment said ‘it’s the parents’ fault there’s no discipline or accountability’
· Another said that we should limit the amount of ND kids in each room – so it’s easier on the teacher.
In this blog I will debunk these ridiculous notions.
1. Every child has a right to an education – so you can’t send them home.
Yes, everyone needs to feel safe in their job, but the ‘bad behaviour’ is a form of communication – they are communicating an unmet need – by sending them home you are cutting off the communication and any way of helping them. You must listen in order to help – but banning them stops all communication.
Bad behaviour is also a sign of an environment that is abusive and toxic to that individual. Removing the child from that environment removes the behaviour because the environment is the cause. You send them back (because the behaviour has stopped at home), but it immediately restarts at school – because school is the problem. Therefore, sending them home solves nothing.
A teacher may think that the child is ‘bad’ and needs to learn respect or to control themselves. But kids do well if they can. They aren’t being bad on purpose, OR – this is perhaps learnt behaviour that needs to be unlearnt. You still need to find out the why? Find out why they are mirroring that learnt behaviour. Are they mirroring your behaviour towards them, are they mirroring their peers, are they mirroring their parental figure or family member – in which case sending them home will reinforce that behaviour, or keeping them in school with toxic people will also reinforce that behaviour. Bullies are often not taught what behaviour is appropriate and have nothing to compare it to, or know what to do. Teach/model what to do – not ‘what not to do’.
2. No discipline or accountability.
I agree in part with this… my child had a bully – that child’s behaviour had no accountability, even the parents told me it was my fault for having a disabled child. The school did nothing, so in my opinion – my child had the right to show ‘bad behaviours’ (he didn’t because he’s not that kind of person), but respect begets respect. If you don’t hold bullies accountable – why should parents tell their bullied children to behave?
I also agree that setting boundaries is right and necessary. But discipline F no! Traditional parenting and punishment authoritarianism does not work on ND kids.
Teachers in these forums constantly blame gentle parenting. Please for the love of education – get the term right if you are going to blame something. You sound ignorant and uneducated every time you blame gentle parenting – because it shows your utter witlessness on the topic
Permissive parenting = not giving a flying f! It means checking out as a parent and doing absolutely sweet F all… it means to do nothing! This is the one you are talking about if you are trying to blame parents who do nothing. Get it right.
Gentle Parenting = strategic parenting. It literally means to find out the reason why a child does or doesn’t do everything – and then teach them how to do it. It means teaching the child boundaries and mutual respect, kindness and self-realisation. It’s about teaching the child how to be kind to themselves and others at the same time. It’s about understanding the child completely and meeting them where they are at… meeting their needs AND YOUR OWN!!!!! Teaching the child societies expectations and rules but giving them the tools and information to be ABLE in that world. It’s about raising self aware, mature and responsible adults that don’t abuse others, who understand themselves and others and respects all people and creatures…. Without inflicting harm on that child by using punishments and beatings… or coercing them into it.
It’s about the child being intrinsically motivated to do the right thing. It’s about real accountability. This method uses natural consequences… it does believe in consequences – just natural ones…. Not arbitrary nonsensical ones that harm the child’s mental health and forces trauma. These kids understand the difference between a nice person doing something because it’s the right thing to do, and a person doing the right thing just because they are threatened into it, or rewarded for doing so. Doing the thing should be its own reward.
Anyone who now doesn’t understand the difference – read it again. Gentle parenting is only about raising non traumatised kids who love to learn and be kind, who understand consequences and do the right thing because they are being raised to be good people.
Permissive parenting is what you blame if the parent is completely checked out.
Gentle parenting is hard AF and takes a lot of empathy, time and understanding. If you still don’t understand it – you may not have empathy and you are likely not a nice or safe person to be around. Because the alternative is a parent who inflicts punishments and controls through fear – which is emotional abuse. A person who uses their power over another to gain respect… that’s not respect, it’s fear. Gentle parenting gains respect through mutual understanding and collaboration – like adults do in the real world.
Nothing about ‘discipline’ teaches a child kindness or respect. For PDA’ers it actually forces them to do the opposite – because it sends them into fight/flight, because it’s a form of control and abuse. Adults don’t discipline other adults – we act and treat each other with kindness and try to understand each other (well that’s the goal anyway). So why don’t teachers or other adults do that too? Because school is nothing like the real world. Schools say they are preparing children for the real world – but they aren’t – they are only teaching conformity and control. When some kids get to university they drop out or fail, because the world is actually the opposite – you need to learn to be your own person and how to be on your own and how to get along with others– that’s what gentle parenting teaches.
Discipline teaches the child that some people have control over others – they grow up thinking that they either have to be subservient or the boss.. neither is healthy, both is super harmful. Gentle parenting teaches the child that they can be whatever they want if they learn to collaborate and be friendly – kind to others and to understand there are consequences for your actions. That’s what schools should be teaching – but don’t seem to get or understand at all.
3. ND kids should be segregated from each other
It’s actually the opposite. If you have a whole class of ND’s – we get along really well. Read the book “Neurotribes” by the late Steve Silberman and you’ll find this out. We need an ND teacher to teach us sometimes too, because then we don’t mask or experience the double empathy problem as much. A whole class full of ND kids demand that the environment and the teaching is the way we need it – and most of us agree that child led/individual led learning is the best way for us to learn.
When you limit the ND kids in one room – we mask more, the teacher caters more and more for the NT kids than the ND kids – and we have more and more ‘bad behaviour’. We also don’t anyone to co-regulate with, because NT peers are often perceived as unsafe for us…. So you are actually removing regulation tools and strategies by doing this.
We don’t want an ‘autism’ unit – as that’s offensive AF and discriminatory. What we want is for you to realise that the things that help ND children also help NT’s…. but the things that help NT’s harm ND’s.
We want inclusion, but what we have right now is slightly tolerated, but also hated simultaneously. We have teachers or administration that is doing tokenism, not real understanding of us and our needs (as seen by the comments about segregating us, excluding us altogether, or punishing us for being unable)…. And there seems to be no real understanding of discrimination law either, which confuses me – because I thought it’s something that teachers ‘should’ be taught in their degrees…. But aren’t, sadly.
If we were accepted properly, teachers would try learning from us – stop using behaviourism (as it’s abusive to us) and listen… instead of blaming and continuing to do the same thing over and over again unchecked.