By Heather L.E. McKay
There was a recent news article on SBS about the rise in families opting for homeschooling instead of sending their children to mainstream schools. One parent (with an ADHD child) remarked that it wasn’t the schools’ fault, and the parents or teachers couldn’t find anything that was harming the child… and yet the child felt unsafe at school and came home in tears every day. The child was being harmed, it’s just that neurotypicals aren’t taught or understand how to identify all the things that harm us in those environments.
This news report called what the child was doing: school refusal. Let me set the record straight on a few things.
First of all – it’s never ‘refusal’ it’s always CAN’T!!!
Kids do well if they can- if your child is crying every day after school, it is likely/possible to be after school restraint collapse, but it is also a very clear sign that something is harming your child – whether YOU can SEE it, or understand it, or not.
There’s a big gap (or missing piece) of information and understanding when NT’s try to look for the reasons why a child is displaying “school can’t”.
The first big thing is that they refuse to see it as ‘can’t’ – instead they often see it as disobedience, wilful misbehaviour, ‘not wanting to do something’, or ‘being a sook’, or ‘overly dramatic’, or being a ‘mammas child’. These are all wrong and extremely harmful to the child and their mental health. Not being believed by the people you rely on and trust most -is the first step to mental health deterioration.
· Believe your child – Believe they are in distress and in pain – Believe that they CAN’T!
2 – When faced with a crying child; parents and teachers will try to look for things that harm or prevent typical children from learning and being able in schools, not for things that harm ND’s. They look for things like bullying or harassment, and if they can’t find obvious signs of those things, they look for disabilities, or intellectual disabilities and sometimes they blame the parents. Often schools will blame the parent for ‘hovering’, or ‘turning their child into a sook’ (they think the child has some sort of attachment disorder, or social anxiety disorder) or perhaps they even look for signs of neglect or abuse inflicted by the parents, and sometimes the parents will do the same to the teachers – they will look at the teachers for the same signs of abuse or neglect.
· This is wrong! Yes – you should always check for signs of abuse, to make sure the child is safe and protected. But what harms ND’s and causes us to show the signs of trauma (school can’t), is different to typical children. And even if there are none of the usual /obvious /typical signs of abuse or mistreatment- it doesn’t mean that the child isn’t feeling or experiencing abuse from their environment. Disabled people can feel abused by their environment all the time – it’s because we are oppressed by people and places that don’t understand us or meet our needs.
3 – the school and the parents will take the PBS/ABA approach to the child once they have superficially (or typically assumed that there is no abuse) – this is actually inflicting more abuse. The parties involved will look to ‘fix’ the child. They will see a child that’s broken – instead of what is really occurring – the school / system/ society is broken!
This next step in ableism is usually the one that breaks the camels back (so to speak). It’s also the one that current universities are teaching teachers, carers, aides and support workers to use on all disabled people.
The child is looked at from a behavioural lens. The teachers and parents come up with a behavioural assessment and plan to “help” the child. They look at only the ‘behaviours of concern’ and look at them from a neurotypical lens. They will look for tools to temporarily make the child ‘able’ and to stop the ‘behaviours of concern’. This is what is called a band aid solution and doesn’t take the whole ND person’s experiences into account – but it especially places the blame on the child. Giving headphones to a child – so they’ll stop a specific behaviour is saying “we know our school is causing the child pain – but instead of fixing the room so there’s sound suppression, or having smaller classes, or removing fluoro lights (so there’s no buzzing of electricity)– we’ll force the child to wear something that might be uncomfortable and limits their ability to learn properly – (and makes them stand out from peers) and will hinder learning since they’ll have to remove and put them back on multiple times a day so they can hear the teacher”. It removes the blame from the school and stops them from having to change anything or do anything that could help thousands of children for years to come – and solve multiple issues for multiple people- instead it puts the blame on the individuals that are neurodivergent.
Teachers and parents often don’t realise that IEP’s often only help the school and sometimes kill all hope and feeling of safety in the child. It is the part that truly causes shutdowns, meltdowns and the end of the child being able.
The adults will look for things that they can ‘do for’ the child, eg: make the child wear headphones, make them go outside the class to stim or ‘have a break’, allow them accommodations that make them appear or seem different or have ‘special treatment’ that is obvious and ‘different’ from the rest of the children. This all leads to the child being ostracised and often bullied by their peers and by the teachers. Yes – by the teachers – why? Because some teachers also see the things in IEP’s as ‘special treatment’ and see it as unfair to the other children. Some teachers don’t understand why some children need these things and think the child should just ‘get used to it’, or ‘stop it’ – or the worst one yet ‘build resilience’. They don’t understand that if they did a whole school/curriculum redesign – they possibly wouldn’t need IEP’s at all, and all children would become ‘able’ and all children would be able to learn the best way they need to.
· Again, believe your child! Differences are bullied all the time whether you are LGBTQ+, BIPOC/BAME or disabled etc. The answer is not to make the child ‘blend in’ (by using behavioural techniques on them to make them indistinguishable from their peers), or to ‘cope’ by making them stand out even more (by setting them apart from the crowd – by making it a rule that Fred gets ‘special’ treatment and ‘special’ tools). And it’s not to put bandaid solutions on things that only help sporadically, or only help them to mask more, or only make them feel broken
Instead – create accepting and truly inclusive spaces by removing barriers and building things that can work for more people. Eg: make fidgets available to all, fit out classrooms with sound suppressing materials and equipment, install light dimmers and remove fluoro’s, have standing and sitting desks, slanting and flat desk options, different seating options, allow child led learning curriculums, remove loud bells, remove the need for homework etc (you can see the rest of the options for inclusive classrooms in my book 5). But especially remove all rewards or compliance-based expectations or rules and create spaces that meet the needs of all.
Afterall – everyone can benefit from disability tools and accommodations – but disabled people can’t live in a world that doesn’t have those things.
4 – After the child has realised just how ‘different’ and segregated they are from the rest of the crowd (due to IEP’s or ‘special treatment’ or bullying due to those things), they can begin to have serious mental health issues, self-hatred, self-doubt, they lose friends or find they can’t find any. They feel alone and even more hurt and in pain than before the IEP is put in place. The parents will see more meltdowns after school and more school ‘refusal’ before school. The child may even start to show signs of physical illness – as their pain starts to manifest physically.
· Believe your child. Try to realise that no matter how many IEP’s or how many adjustments you put into place for your child – the environment in the first place -is what harmed them – and the continuing of making them stand out more and more, in an effort to help them – may actually harm them more. Instead – the whole school needs to change – not the little things about your child – but the whole school, because what would benefit your child would likely benefit another child in the class, or another child next year or the year after. They need to be permanent changes to the way schools design things and do things. This seems impossible for most circumstances because it’s not just the noise or overwhelm that harms ND children in mainstream schools, it’s society as a whole that needs to change. But we can make strides towards this end goal.
5 – by now (after the IEP has been implemented and things are still getting worse for the child) the parent/s are at their wits end and the child has entered full blown shutdown or burnout. The parent will often have no choice but to remove them from the toxic environment (school) and find a new school or look at perhaps homeschooling them (if they have that privilege). But what STILL hasn’t been realised or identified by the parent/teacher – are the things that harmed them in the first place. This often results in the parent being even more at a loss and more frustrated than ever. They often believe that removing the child is the only thing that needs to occur for the child to stop experiencing school can’t. They don’t understand that they (the family or the next school) repeat the things that were harming the child at the original school. No improvement is made, or sometimes a tiny improvement is made, but the child loses hope and masks heavily so as not to disappoint the teachers or their parents or others in their lives. And the cycle of pain continues.
If it is homeschooling where those things are being repeated in the child’s safe space – in their home. This causes an even bigger burnout and possibly even bigger meltdowns, which sometimes result in massive trauma, aggression and violence towards family members.
· What to do? First – you need to reset their nervous system – let them neuroqueer and relax and do absolutely NOTHING AT ALL!!!!!! They need to recover before they can rebuild capacity and ability. This will often look like a ‘regression’ and they may seem ‘more autistic’ or ‘more ADHD’ etc than ever before. This is a good thing – this is vital and paramount for their recovery and eventual ability to live their life again. Homeschoolers will call this period – “Deschooling”. This will last as long as the child needs, sometimes even a year or two, depending on how long they were masking and hiding their pain, and how much pain they endured.
· Second: Recognise and understand the things that really hurt the child in that mainstream school (in the first place) – and STOP doing them. If the child wants to return to a school – you need to prepare them that all schools use PBS/ABA, all schools cause masking, all schools have curriculums that are built in total opposite or toxic ways for ND brains.
· You will need to teach them coping skills, strategies for avoiding burnout, and ways to neuroqueer safely – before returning to the toxic NT world. Teach them to recognise the things that harm them specifically or individually (and in what ways, and to what degree). Teach them how to cope or survive those things in a healthy and neuroaffirming way. Very young child will not have this ability. Even teens and adults will struggle with this, so be cautious and careful about pushing them back in before they are ready, or before they have the right skills in place – in fact don’t push at all – let them decide when and if they are ready. DO NOT teach them NT social skills or NT expectations or anything NT for that matter – they need ND skills – not NT ones!!!!!!
So what are the things that harm us?
· The need to mask our neurotype and our needs
· The lights, the noise, the crowds, the transitions, the timetable, the bells etc (the environment)
· The curriculum is the biggest one of all for some children. This includes what is taught, how it is taught, that it’s forced and not child led, that it’s not interest based, that it’s not challenging enough, that it’s too challenging in some areas (due to our spikey profile IQ’s – we need more time on some subjects and less on others) – the time spent on things that are too long, or too short, the medium used (only verbal, or only written, or only kinetic), the boring ‘busy’ work, the subjects that aren’t logical, the way things are explained, the repetitiveness, the tedium.
· The fact that we have to translate everything from NT speak into ND and then back again – it’s exhausting!
· The waiting for the rest of the class to finish before we can move on…. Or them waiting for us to finish because we are in hyperfocus – but we aren’t allowed to hyperfocus
· THE LACK OF CHILD LED LEARNING!!!!!!!!!! This one should be repeated until you understand that ND people learn differently and often can’t learn from mass educational methods.
· The rewards and punishment-based behaviour model that all schools use to control children. This is called behaviourism – and it’s abusive to ND people – it causes masking and forces neurotypicalism. It’s one of the biggest harms in schools – it causes trauma, PTSD and suicide ideology in ND people. Read “Punished by Rewards” by Alfie Kohn for more information.
· The expectations to do things in NT ways. Eg: to sit still, use eye contact, say ‘good morning’ every day, to speak with fluffy insincere language, to not need additional tools or different ways of doing things, to not have other disabilities (like ED’s or incontinence, apraxia, dyslexia, EDS, or nerve pain etc). To use mouth words, not be hyperactive, or not tune out while a teacher drones on and on. And the thing that harms ADHD kids a lot – is that NT children are praised for doing these things correctly or well (right in front of them) – which makes it very obvious and feels like pure hatred coming from the teachers towards the kids who CAN’T do those things (the disabled kids).
· Expectations to be continent or not have an eating disorder etc. Schools push ‘healthy eating’ and deny access to safe foods for kids with ED’s like ARFID – this is actually illegal – it’s discrimination against a known and diagnosed condition, but the expectation to eat what your peers are eating causes us considerable harm.
· Sit at a table and write with a pencil. Some ND kids can’t sit still or sit in specific ways in certain seats (due to our EDS or proprioception needs) – or due to hand and finger pain. I still can’t write with a pen or pencil without pain in my whole hand and arm.
· Some of us don’t understand colloquialisms, maybe sarcasm or can’t interpret subtlety or body language cues, or difference in volume or tone of spoken language. This causes misunderstandings, bullying and sometimes it even causes us to get bad grades in some classes.
· Some of us have RSD, and if we can understand the things in the bullet point above – we become very sensitive and heightened to those things -which causes us to feel rejected by one and all. We can’t feel safe or happy if we feel rejected by all, and if we feel we don’t belong, or that we perceive that others see us as different or broken.
· Some teachers have no idea what autism or ADHD means – and assume it means we have intellectual disabilities, they then deny us access to challenging work or to the same work as our peers – or they segregate us into ‘autism’ only classrooms/schools… and deny us an education. This is heartbreaking for the non-speaking child who just wants to learn and show everyone what they are capable of. – Always presume competence.
· Homework. Once we’ve spent all day dealing with all the above things that truly harm us – we are expected to do more of it at home, and our parents can even expect us to do it in a way that is ‘typical’ to the school environment Eg: sitting straight and quietly at a desk and do it as soon as we get home, and do it until it’s finished. This is the one I need parents to understand if they are going to homeschool their children.
Homeschooling your children – does NOT mean – school at home! It means having a prolonged ‘deschooling’ period – in which YOU the parent unlearns everything you think you know about education/ learning and schools – while your child recovers and recoups, and relearns ND ways of how to cope and survive in a world not built for us. If you want to know more, please read my book “Autism: The Big Book Set of Help: Book 5: Schools and Onward” – it is packed FULL of information and help on how to homeschool your neurodivergent child, and how to do it in a neuroaffirming way that WON’T repeat the trauma they experienced in school.
By now you should have a good understanding of why school CAN’T isn’t what you thought it was. And wasn’t CAUSED by what you thought caused it. It WAS caused by typicalism, and the expectations of being, behaving and doing things in a typical way.
To avoid repeating these harmful things when you begin homeschooling, or move to a different school, you need to understand that your ND child needs to learn using different tools, different mediums, different methods, different environments and different ways – your child will probably need to learn via a child led method and means. And they need you to remove all barriers – barriers like demands and expectations of them being/doing/ saying or performing in a typical way. They are not typical and never will be. Find what works best for them – let them lead! This is easy to do at home, but almost impossible to do in mainstream schools, and why ND families are turning more and more to homeschooling options.
What to do if your child is displaying ‘homeschool refusal’: it’s either because they ‘can’t’ (they are now experiencing “homeschool can’t”) because of the way learning is being imparted, or they feel is being forced on them at home. It doesn’t meet their learning needs (or the things that harmed them in school are being repeated at home), or they have not had sufficient time or ways to reset their nervous system properly, eg: they are still in Fight/Flop/Flight/Fawn/Flex response from the trauma they experienced at school.
If this is the case – take a step back, go back to deschooling and resetting the nervous system (go back to healing); read my book 5, and possibly Naomi Fishers book “Changing Our Minds”, or Ivan Illich’s book “Deschooling Society”.
Schools limit education, they don’t teach it. The only thing they do teach (according to Ivan Illich) is conformity. ND people are usually the first people to nonconform – to not be able to follow suit or fall in line – because of the way our brain/bodies are wired, and because of our co-occurring disabilities. This is why schools are toxic for us.
Schools limit everything about learning – they limit where, when, how, what, in what way, how much, how little, with who etc etc etc. ND people ‘CAN’T’ with limits. We don’t need or want limits. We need supports and freedom to develop and learn naturally. We mostly have spikey IQ and development profiles – where we will learn one skill quicker and better, and more in-depth than our peers, but others more slowly, or perhaps not ever. It’s not wrong, it’s different. Schools don’t respect anyone who learns in a different way or in a different timeframe.
The next time you are looking for reasons why a child is experiencing school can’t – don’t look at the child. Look at the school, look at the policies and procedures, the culture and the curriculum – and you’ll be able to immediately see it in a new light (if you understood this blog) – with a new perspective and new lens – a lens that sees the system as the problem – not the child. The only way that the child will survive, learn and cope in that place – is if the whole system is overhauled. The answer is not to give just one child what they need – or to fix one thing for one child– but to see the system as needing fixing. We are never going to make headway by giving one tool to one child at a time – when all children could benefit from an overhaul to society. Society doesn’t accept us or make things easy or even accessible to us or for us – so schools don’t either. We need to change this mentality. But it’s a hard road when all schools will currently do is use PBS or ABA (IEP’s) to ‘fix’ things for one child – or to ‘cure’ the child.
Children don’t need fixing or curing, they need what they need. And what could help one child could help many. It’s not rocket science. If you are a principal, please stop trying to plug the hole by giving one thing to one child -and only after a parent has begged for it, or gotten a lawyer involved for you to listen and agree. You need to look at the school as a whole – as the system as a; whole huge bloody big problem that is hindering the learning of all children. You waste time and money plugging holes, when you could be advocating to governments for real change and real learning – instead of just conformity and hindering learning. There are things that you can do – without permission from governments… seek out those options. Talk to ND advocates or disability education businesses, perhaps ones like mine – that can help you to assess and identify those things that you do control, that you can change for the better of all.